I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
