Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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