The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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