dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
