one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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