the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
