Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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