I think i peed on brittanys purse
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
