i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
