apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
