My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize