Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize