if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
