24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
