I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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