i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
