its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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