last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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