The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
