I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
