How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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