Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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