Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
