Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
