At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
