Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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