i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize