I hate your face
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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