i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
