Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
well you can't waste a boner
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
