Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
