It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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