I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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