I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
