I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
