Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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