I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
