You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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