so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
