I cannot find my penis.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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