There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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