Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
