Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
