Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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