i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
