Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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