Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
