His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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