The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
