I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
