I CAN MOONWALK!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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