Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
