Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
