if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
