Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
