drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
the day after is always just damage control
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
