Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
